i grew up during the war

i grew up during the lebanese civil war. scratch that. i grew up during the 1975-1990 lebanese civil war. scratch that also. i grew up during times of war in lebanon*. many have. i was born at a time when palestinians were dreaming of a state but had lost their compass. a time when israelis were mighty and wore red-flavored uniforms. a time when lebanese had weapons and nothing to lose. but i did not know any of that.

i am lucky to have been a child during the war times that followed my birth. i have no recollection of fear or stress. no memories of blood or forgotten bodies. no nightmares of tragedy or mutilation.

i do have faint memories of my mother's panic. it was during the liberation war**. ak47's made the weather from rooftops and balconies. rockets were flying all over our heads. windows were blowing. it was dark. it was decided we spend the night on a matress in the least exposed part of the flat, the entrance hallway. the farthest away from any window. my mother, a hardline atheist, was holding her sons under her arms and praying to the virgin mary. my father was standing next to the shattered-glass windows, trying to locate the source of fire. years before the matrix, my father thought he could dodge bullets. i felt no emotion. i was absent. i was only a witness. it was like flipping through a comic book. no fear. no tears. no worries. only recording.

then there was a brief cease-fire where everybody was allowed to flee. after which there was a long series of relocating from one "safe" place to another, the war demo-geography continuously changing and being reshaped. there was the underground parking lot of a beach resort. those were creepy times. i would wake up in the middle of the night (it was always night under ground). i would get out of the car and start walking in the huge multi-story parking structure looking for my parents***.

then there was a chalet in the high mountains. a summer that accounts for the best days of my childhood. i had lots of "friends", many of whom were way too rich but i did not care at that time. i got my first bike, a BMX that had beautiful white tires. i felt jealousy for the first time. my neighbor was an only child and had the coolest black bike ever. i had no classes to attend and no uncomfortable schoolbus to sit in for two hours everyday. i had my first major fight with my brother, of which i still carry a scar. i had my first fight with a thug-kid which ended happily when my brother taught him a lesson he would not forget. i lied for the first time. i had my first fireworks and my first campfire. my first kermesse. my first mug. my first stratego game.

then there was the grandparents in the valley. like a regular sunday gathering of the huge family, only that one lasted for weeks. the house was barricaded with a china-wall of concrete construction blocks.

finally, there was a family flat up on the hills. there were sounds. sitting in an improvised shelter trying to identify the exploding sounds that filled the room. was it the cannon in roumieh or the one in joura? and there were sights. standing before the living room window in the early morning, right before dawn, staring at beirut and watching fires and smokes rising in the blue, red streaks of bullets tearing the skyline and falling back on all sides, and the glowing-red reconnaissance bombs hanging in the air looking down at the city and teasing the people trapped amidst fire.

i am lucky to have been a child during war times. i have no recollection of war as a traumatizing experience. no memory of pain or suffering. i bow to my parents -and all parents- who managed to maintain a salutary level of sanity around my generation of spoiled kids.

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* some people find there is nothing civil about war. in fact, just like most other wars, the lebanese civil war did not involve the majority of lebanese as active participants, but rather as spectators and/or victims.
** no liberation is ever possible for this conveted piece of land we call a country.
*** at night, adults would gather in hundreds to watch the news around the only tv set in the parking lot.